David Ndii’s position exposes hypocrisy of civil society

BY BITANGE NDEMO FRIDAY JULY 7 2017

Members of the civil society in Nairobi in December 2015. PHOTO | EVANS HABIL | NATION MEDIA GROUP 

In Summary

• Kenya has the misfortune of having some of the most reckless politicians and civil society actors in Africa.
• The revelation that a prominent racketeer is funding the opposition has embarrassed the ever-moralising civil society actors and shown them to be opportunists.
• Kenyans should wake up to the reality that there are some actors who have rewritten the rules of democracy and concluded that a free and fair election is one in which their candidate triumphs and a “sham” election is one won by those they do not support; to hell with the decisions voters make at the ballot box.

The mask has slipped. For the best part of the last two decades, Kenya’s civil society has played a duplicitous yet surprisingly successful double-game.

They have pretended to be non-partisan and carried themselves as independent protectors of the “interests and will of citizens”. They have posed as non-partisan actors and pretended to be autonomous from the political parties – an unwritten requirement of civil society especially in countries where political parties often represent narrow ethnic and regional interests.

It took the intervention of a reader of the Nationon May 5, 2017, to raise the question with the public editor why the Nation was consistently publishing opinion articles by individuals who purported to be independent civil society actors and yet they were in fact card-carrying members of the Opposition and bitter opponents of the government.

GONE UNANSWERED

The unquestioned leader of this band of actors is David Ndii. It is a remarkable demonstration of the weakness of the Jubilee administration’s communication team that his one-sided rants and screeds, charitably described in some quarters as analysis, have gone unanswered for the better part of the last three years.

While Ndii’s endless doom and gloom message on the future of the Kenyan economy – defied by the wave of investment that continues to pour into the country – can be excused as partisan propaganda aimed at advancing the ambitions of the opposition he ardently and now openly supports, his more recent outbursts must not go unchallenged.

Picking up the theme of a notorious article he wrote calling for the breaking up of the Kenyan republic, Ndii has spent the past week promoting the key theme from that article: “Kenya Will Burn if Uhuru Wins Another Sham Election,” Ndii said on Twitter, quoting himself.

There are many ways to challenge this type of incitement. Ndii has been rightly attacked for his recklessness on many grounds.

Conscientious citizens, including many from his own side, have pointed out that wealthy members of the civil society that he belongs to are unlikely to “burn” in the event of a post-election crisis. Instead, it is the poor that are routinely used as the foot-soldiers to fulfill the ambitions of politicians and those that seek appointments in their administrations that stand to suffer.

The more fundamental point that needs to be addressed if Kenya’s politics is ever to enter the mature stage is simple: National politicians, particularly the major presidential candidates, need to internalise a culture of accepting that they can be defeated in a free-and-fair election and that the culture of repeatedly dismissing defeat as the product of “rigging” only stunts the nation’s journey to democratic maturity.

The notion that the 2013 election was a “sham”, for example, is only held by Ndii and other civil society oppositionists but is not supported by a single report of the tens of thousands of outside observers who were in Kenya for that election.

As has been widely reported, there were 1,834 international observers in Kenya who worked alongside 21,554 domestic observers and 6,327 local and international journalists to cover that election.

The outcome was unwelcome to most of the Western world. The West, which funds most of those observer groups, resolutely opposed the UhuRuto ticket. But they all endorsed the results because they saw that it reflected the will of the Kenyan people.

The most important safeguard installed in that election, for example, the donor-funded parallel vote tabulation system which involved independent tallying in centres across the country and was conducted by the Electoral Observer Group found that the outcome of the presidential race matched the outcome of their own research.

Still, there is no culture of conceding defeat in Kenya and the opposition, far more fleet-footed at propaganda than the government, has spent the last four years honing a sense of victimhood, including through easily debunked claims such as the view that two million people voted only for the presidential candidates in 2013.

Looking forward to the 2017 election, one of the foremost western scholars on Kenya, Charles Hornsby, a professor of African history and the author of Kenya: A History Since Independence,published in mid-June a detailed analysis of possible outcomes of the 2017 election.

Of course, making predictions in any election is not an easy game and projections should not be taken as immutable truth. But the point is that when you assess analysis by outside experts who do not have ethno-regional or partisan interests at stake, many of them consider Jubilee to be on solid ground in 2017, particularly when you consider regional distribution of registered voters.

In the case of Prof Hornsby, he makes the concession that Nasa have had a strong 2017. In particular, they managed to stay united despite many predictions of a breach in the coalition. However, Hornsby makes the point that they might have had a better chance if they had picked a candidate different from the line-up they chose in 2013.

LOGICAL CHOICE

“NASA’s choice of Raila Odinga and Kalonzo Musyoka as presidential and vice presidential candidate, respectively, was both logical and predictable, but also a conservative strategy that set the two alliances up for an exact reprise of 2013,” he writes. “On that basis, it is hard to see the result being materially different. For Nasa, the opportunity to improve on their 42% performance in 2013 lies with the incorporation of much of Mudavadi’s vote (4% nationwide, mostly in western Kenya) into Nasa. For Jubilee to improve on their 50% performance in 2013, it needs to leverage the power of incumbency, its deeper pockets, the resources it has allocated to specific communities and the positive messages (hard to sell as they are proving) about their delivery to Kenyans during 2013-17.”

MORE MPs

Incumbency means that Jubilee has managed to woo far more MPs and governors to back them than they did in 2013.

The most important element that Hornsby analyses is the vote register. He makes the point that “Kenyan election results are far from random; they follow regular patterns and rarely exhibit discontinuous changes, and it is possible to make educated guesses about what will happen based on previous experience”.

Based on a reading of the vote register and projecting outcomes from elections in the counties in the 2013 election, Prof Hornsby says: “Nationally, the combination of registration numbers, turnout and an ethnically and historically voting-based preference model still predicts a first round win for Uhuru and Ruto, by 53% to 46% (with a maximum of 1% of votes to other candidates)”.

He writes: “It suggests Kenyatta and Ruto will get roughly 8.5 million votes (of which more than five million will come from the Kalenjin and Kikuyu communities) while Odinga and Musyoka will poll 7.5 million, of which approximately three million will come from Luo and Kamba voters. This would be on a national turnout of 83%....”

EITHER WAY

You may not agree with this projection and that of other external observers, including TIMEmagazine, which published an analysis predicting a comfortable win for Jubilee.

Projections can be offered either way. The key point here is that the assertions by Ndii and other oppositionists that the only way in which they can lose the election is through rigging are not only wrong but fallacious. They are also dangerous.

Combined with consistent efforts to erect roadblocks in the path of the Independent Electoral and Boundaries Commission’s preparations for the election and the endless efforts to undermine the credibility of the electoral body, these actions simply show that the country is being prepared for a crisis.

RECKLESS POLITICIANS

It is a dangerous game. But Kenya has the misfortune of having some of the most reckless politicians and civil society actors in Africa.

The revelation that a prominent racketeer is funding the opposition has embarrassed the ever-moralising civil society actors and shown them to be opportunists.

Kenyans should wake up to the reality that there are some actors who have rewritten the rules of democracy and concluded that a free and fair election is one in which their candidate triumphs and a “sham” election is one won by those they do not support; to hell with the decisions voters make at the ballot box.

Dr Bitange Ndemo is an associate professor at the University of Nairobi’s School of Business.

bndemo@bitangendemo.me

Things to Remember When Your Heart is Breaking

WRITTEN by MARC CHERNOFF

“Don’t cry when the sun is gone, because the tears won’t let you see the stars.”

― Violeta Parra

It’s a dull, subdued sensation, when your heart is breaking, like the muffled sound of a distant gunshot.  It doesn’t physically pierce your skin or tear you to pieces, but the sensation is physically present – the paralyzing discomfort of realizing that something you took for granted is leaving for good.

Although it’s hard to accept at first, this is actually a good sign, having a broken heart.  It means you have loved something, you have tried for something, and you have let life teach you.

Life will attempt to break you down sometimes; nothing and no one can completely protect you from this reality.  Remaining alone and hiding from the world won’t either, for endless, stagnant solitude will also break you with unhealthy nostalgia and yearning.

You have to stand back up and put yourself out there again.  Your heart is stronger than you realize.  I’ve been there and I’ve seen heartbreak through to the other side.  It takes time and patience.

Deep heartbreak is kind of like being lost in the woods – every direction leads to nowhere at first.  When you are standing in a forest of darkness, you cannot see any light that could ever lead you home.  But if you wait for the sun to rise again, and listen when someone assures you that they themselves have stood in that same dark place, and have since moved forward with their life, oftentimes this will bring the hope that’s needed.

It’s so hard to give you advice when you’ve got a broken heart, but some words can heal, and this is my attempt to give you hope.  You are stronger than you know!

Please remember…

1. The genuine, loving emotion that breaks your heart is oftentimes the same emotion that will heal it, gradually, over time.
2. The person you liked or loved in the past, who treated you like dirt repeatedly, has nothing intellectually or spiritually to offer you in the present moment, but more headaches and heartache.
3. You can mull it over and obsess and obsess about how things turned out – what you did wrong or should have done differently – but there’s no point.  It will NOT change anything right now!
4. Some chapters in our lives have to close without closure.  There’s no point in losing yourself by trying to hold on to what’s not meant to stay.
5. Seven letters.  Two words.  One saying.  It can either cut you open to the core and leave you in horrific pain, or it can free your heart and soul and lift an incredible weight off your shoulders.  The saying is: It’s over!
6. When you don’t get what you want, sometimes it’s necessary preparation, and other times it’s necessary protection.  But the time is never wasted.  It’s a step on your journey.  (Read The Road Less Traveled.)
7. Someday you’re going look back on this time in your life as such an important time of grieving and growing.  You will see that you were in mourning and your heart was breaking, but your life was changing.
8. Transitions in life are the perfect opportunity to let go of one situation to embrace something even better coming your way.
9. One of the hardest lessons to learn: You cannot change other people.  Every interaction, rejection and heartbreaking lesson is an opportunity to change yourself only.
10. Be determined to be positive.  Understand that the greater part of your misery or unhappiness from this point forward is determined not by your circumstances, but by your attitude.
11. Life and God both have greater plans for you that don’t involve crying at night or believing that you’re broken.
12. It’s always better to be alone than to be in bad company.  And when you do decide to give someone a chance, do so because you’re truly better off with this person.  Don’t do it just for the sake of not being alone.
13. When someone rejects you it doesn’t mean you need to also reject yourself or think of yourself as less worthy.  It doesn’t mean that nobody will ever want you anymore.  Remember that there are billions of people in the world and only ONE person has rejected you.  And it only hurts so bad right now because, to you, that one person’s opinion represented the opinion of the whole world.  But that’s not the truth.
14. Sometimes it takes a broken heart to shake you awake and help you see that you are worth so much more than you were settling for.  (Angel and I discuss this in more detail in the “Self-Love” chapter of 1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently.)
15. When you lose someone or something, don’t think of it as a loss, but as a gift that lightens your load so you can better travel the path meant for you.
16. Anything that hurts you today only makes you stronger in the end.
17. When all is said and done, grief is the price you pay for love.  And it’s better to have loved, lost and learned, than to have never loved at all.
18. A broken heart is just the growing pains necessary so that you can love more completely when the real thing comes along.

Afterthoughts

You are human and the human heart breaks sometimes.  Don’t fight it – fight through it!

Give yourself a chance to love again, to feel again, and to live again.

You are alive and here to risk your heart by putting it into something you believe in, as many times as it takes.  If you avoid taking this chance, one thing is certain, you will make it safely to the end, feeling empty and unfulfilled.

Don’t do that to yourself.

You deserve better.

Your turn…

In what ways have you struggled with heartbreak?  How have you coped?  Please leave a comment below and share your insights with us.

Also, if you haven’t done so already, be sure to sign-up for our free newsletter to receive new articles like this in your inbox each week.

Photo by: Sarah Tett

simple practices of couples who have managed to stick together

Most of us enter into relationships just wanting to get some temporary happiness and to have someone fill this lonely space in our lives. We do the bare minimum that’s needed to make this relationship work and when that stops being sufficient, when all the hopes and dreams we had attached to this relationship come crashing down, we are left confused.

We wonder for days what went wrong and why we couldn’t make it work. And we fail to realize how just a little extra effort and a little more persistence could have stopped this from ending badly.

Here are 4 simple practices of couples who have managed to stick together till the end. We hope you can incorporate them into your love lives and make them work out better.

1. They work on resolving problems

Every couple has fights. You get mad about something. You try to keep it to yourself for a while, waiting for the other person to read your mind and ask you if something’s wrong. And when they’re not able to do that, when they’re not able to be the mind-readers we expect them to be, then you finally decide to unleash your anger. You say horrible things that you don’t even mean and end up doing things that you’ll regret later. And when the storm passes, when you finally calm down, you guys don’t really discuss the root cause of the problem. You already feel guilty about your unfair reaction so you end up keeping the actual problem tucked away in your heart and you let it go with a few simple hugs and a sorry.

Do you see what’s wrong with this situation? You never really discussed what was wrong in the first place. You never had a mature discussion about how to resolve it. And when this happens, the problem is bound to come up again. It is bound to cause another fight and maybe the next time it comes up in this same manner, it won’t just go away with a ‘sorry’. It might just end up being the cause of your final break up.

Couples that last are mature enough to acknowledge their problems. They give their problems the proper time and attention. And they work together on resolving them. 

2. communicate without hesitation

One of the most important qualities of couples who make their relationship work is open and honest communication. When your partner is talking to you, don’t just maintain a superficial reaction to everything they’re saying. Don’t just nod and listen to what they’re trying to tell you but try to understand it as well. Maintain eye contact when they’re talking to you and don’t disrespect them by constantly fidgeting or checking your phone. And when it’s your turn to talk, don’t limit your conversations to what your favorite movie is or the last time you went to a party.

Talk about your personal views, talk about your emotions, talk about the things that keep you up at night and let them do the same. Give them a tour of the deepest and darkest corners of your mind and heart, and you will see them doing the same. This will not only build your trust in each other, it will also create a much stronger bond between you two.

3. They create a special moment together every day

When you’ve spent a few months together, when the initial excitement of a relationship is over, and when you’ve realized that this person is now a constant part of your life, you forget to do the things that made you two happy. You stop trying to make each other feel special. And you even forget to share a joke together. Don’t let your relationship fall into this trap of monotony and stagnation. Every day that you’re together, try to do something different, try to make your partner smile and try to keep the excitement alive.

This can be as simple as telling them how beautiful they look today or getting them a bar of their favorite chocolate if they’re not feeling so well. You’ll realize how small gestures like this can go a long way in making your relationship successful.

4. They reiterate their commitment to each other

If you’ve been with someone long enough (let’s say one or two years), then that is an achievement in itself for you. And you couldn’t have done this alone. You weren’t the only one who was working on this relationship. You were both equally committed to the relationship and couples that last know how to appreciate and value each other for this effort and commitment.

Let your partner know every day how much they mean to you, let them know about all their qualities that make you love them even more and thank them for sticking by you through all the good and the bad times.

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Do you agree with these healthy habits? Do you have anything to add to this list of happy habits? Let me know in the comments below!

If you man does these, he really loves you

Being in love is the most beautiful thing in life. However, you might feel a bit stressed at times. One question which keeps on hitting your mind again and again is whether he sincerely loves you or not?

Slowly and gradually, you start to love unconditionally. You also start to love without any expectations. But one thing which always scares you is to love someone who does not show any feelings towards you. You are always worried about being hurt. This is even more intense when you love somebody for the very first time. It gets a little hard for you, those uncertain feelings about that guy irritate you, those perplex moments you go through in the start.

It is a well-known fact that women cannot hide their emotions. Therefore, it is much easier to guess if a woman loves you or not, just by the way she loves you back.

Conversely, men can conceal their feelings much better. They are taught from the very beginning to never let their feelings become their weak point. Just because of this, it is harder for men to accept the passion they carry for someone.

It is even harder for men to express what they feel deep inside. Rather, they keep it hidden and never say what they really feel. Women find it really annoying.

Ladies! Never ever think he doesn’t love you just because he has never told you the truth. Men find it hard to express their sentiments.

However, we can help you to guess if he really loves you or not by these following signs!

1. He always texts you “Good Morning”!

You can easily know if he loves you or not if the first thought in the morning is about you.

Love is a kind of heavenly passion that can be enormously pleasing and blissful. When you believe that he really thinks about you the first thing in the morning, it is a sign that he is really into you. It is true that most boys are not very good at expressing their feelings. But some try their best to show their love by sending you “good morning” wishes.

It’s hard to control your emotions when you are in love. However, even the strongest man would fail to conceal his sentiments and would say that he cannot live without you. 

2. He always checks out on you because he is curious to know what you are doing! 

It is human nature that most people are really egotistic. Women are a bit more caring and loving, unless they fall in love.

While in love, you start caring about that special one as much as you do about yourself. Guys do some really funny things while checking up on their girlfriends. Some pretend they really don’t care as much as they do inside. However, if he is continuously checking on you several times a week and that too for no genuine reason, that’s the point when you know he is all yours! And I don’t mean checking up on you in a clingy and invasive manner.

3. He can really do anything to solve your problems!

Ladies are usually irritated by their husbands being lazy and not helping them with their work. It is because men change with time. Once, the same man did everything to make her life better. He could even put himself at risk just to solve her issues. He was always there to pick her up regardless of how far he was. He always helped her choose what to buy and let her buy as much as she liked. You are lucky if your guy does the same for you. Now, it is up to you to let him be the same way even after you get married.

4. His face glows with happiness as he sees you!

Love is a feeling of bliss and delight. Love is when you cherish beautiful memories and plan a cheerful future ahead. You smile all the time while in love.

He is definitely in love with you – if his eyes sparkle the moment he sees your face. He would give all of his attention to you when you are around.

5. He is interested to know how you spent your day and listens attentively!

Love is when you care about that special person so much that you even want to know what she eats and when she sleeps.

He truly loves you when he wants to know every little detail about your day like what you did, where you went, what you bought, the stories of your success etc. He wants to be with you forever. Even if he did not spend the day with you, he wants to be in it just by listening about it. 

6. your opinion! 

He always asks about your opinion and choices. He respects your opinion in every matter. He likes to know your views about world and relationships.

It’s easy to know he loves you when he asks about your choice in every matter and lets you take decisions. It’s a way of planning a future ahead, as well. He likes to see the world through your eyes.

7. He gives you the best side of the bed and pillow.

He loves you if he is willing to give you the side of the bed he likes. He is all yours if he gives you the best in everything – the last piece of the cake, the bigger bite of sandwich, seat with the best view in the cinema etc. He really loves you and thinks of you as his better half as he really believes that you are his better half.

Since childhood, we learn the worth of sharing. But it is not just sharing. It is giving all of the best to you. It makes him happy to give you the best. He feels like giving you the best is same like if he is having the best too.

8. He is always there to help. 

Some men are afraid to offer help as most ladies refuse accepting help from men as they feel they don’t need any man to help them and are independent. However, if your man is happy to help you clean the dishes after dinner or take you shopping, trust me, he is really the one who loves you!

9. He likes asking you for help. 

I find it really sexy when guys ask their girlfriends for help. Like, men asking women to help them reach destinations by checking directions on their phone while driving. He might ask your help to put up that new entertainment system in the room. He asks you for help even when you don’t offer any help.

10. He remembers the important dates!

He really likes you when he has planned every important date in the calendar whether it’s your birthday, some holiday or anniversary. He plans your birthday just the way you like it. He invites your family and friends to your favorite spot and even gifts you the dress you liked two months ago. 

11. Buys you gifts for no reason. 

Chocolates, flowers, candles – all those little pieces of affection. He tries his best to win your love by giving you little gifts for no specific reason. Cheaper gifts coated with love are his way to show he really cares about you.

12. He likes planning future ahead!

Most of the men you dated previously in life disliked talking about future. Men avoid discussing about the future. But this man likes to plan a future together with you and discusses how you want it to be. This can be one of the most important things here that you need to look out for in your guy. If your guy plans things for the future ‘together’, he’s the one for you.

If you guys are talking about your future and he mentions the words ‘with you’ or ‘us’ or ‘together’ while talking about his future, it’s done… you don’t need anything else to be sure, the guy is yours already!

13. He likes the things you like. 

He buys tickets and likes going to the local concert of your favorite band just because you like that band. He likes watching your favorite shows with you just because he wants to spend more time with you. Even though you don’t ask him to like things that you like – he does it for his own happiness.

When he picks out the movies that you like, even when he doesn’t watch that genre, I mean, mostly guys aren’t really into those romantic movies but still, your guy agrees to watch it with you, or someday he, himself, brings the DVD and wants to watch it with you… these are those little moments that define true love.

14. He really loves to spend time with you…NOT just to get in your pants!

You guys are too hot for each other in bed, but when it comes to talking and communicating, you both are JUST as good as it can get. Most of the time, guys say those emotional things to girls and those ‘3 magical words’, just to get in bed with that girl. But that is not the case with your guy. Yes, obviously, he loves you sexually but that’s not the only thing that matters to him.

You both have those cute moments together, you both have those inside jokes about stuff as well and the list goes on. It’s not only about sex, your guy won’t just show up at night, have fun time in the bed, and leave.

15. He praises you with pure heart. 

If he did not notice your nail paint change from matte red to bright red, he might praise a new shirt you bought. He compliments your new hair color. The best thing is that he actually notices you and praises you. You don’t have to give him any clues. 

16. He values your views about everything. 

According to the latest study on complementarity in relationships, even if two people are on totally opposite poles of the political spectrum, they might still live happy together forever. You should not always care about what you like. It also depends on how firmly you accept your partner’s views and opinions.

For example, if you are a true feminist and your man carries some old fashioned views about women, he would at least listen to what your feelings are and would respect them when you talk about topics like ‘a woman’s position in the workplace’. Don’t let go of such man!

17. He defends you and your relationship.

He truly loves you when he protects you when somebody tries to bully you. He defends you when someone criticizes you for no reason or tries to hurt you. It is a well-known fact proven in literature that men who care about someone would even risk their own lives to protect the one they love. People in normal relationships show their love by bonding together against external attacks.

Researcher David Frost from San Francisco State, in a study about bisexual individuals like gay and lesbian in intimate relationships, observed that many who felt ashamed because of their relationships took strength from one another and felt more strong and confident when united.

18. He gives you that warm and safe feeling.

He strolls on the outside of the walkway, in light of the fact that if a vehicle were to diverge accidentally, he would be the one who gets hit rather than you. He nourishes you. He is very protective when it comes to you. He is dependably there whenever you feel down or have a flu or any other sickness.

At the point when a man is more careful for you than his own self, he really loves you. He may not be a warrior or a fighter, but when he sees you in risk, he can turn into one for you. He can pretty easily transform from that cute teddy to a furious beast in no time, just to protect you and be there for you.

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Does your man have these qualities? How does he make you feel? Let me know in the comments below!

Things Men Do In Bed That Women Hate

There are many things men do that women hate. Leaving the lid off the toothpaste, or leaving the toilet seat up. However, below are ten things they hate in the bedroom, and it would benefit us to keep these in mind.

•Undressing before you are sure where the evening is headed. 
It is awkward if you are standing there half naked and she is wondering why.

•Have bad hygiene! 
It is a non-starter if you haven’t showered or shaved in days. Come on men, we like women to be clean and smell good, they would appreciate the same from us.

•No foreplay. 
Women like foreplay before getting to the endgame. Spend some time with it because unlike us, most women take more time to get ready. Beware, don’t finish before she is halfway there.

•Ignoring everything except the big three. 
Don’t just focus on between her legs, lips and her chest. Women do enjoy some exploration. Let you hands wander, and she may do the same to you.

•Hair pulling or biting. 
Don’t assume women want to have their hair yanked or their nipple bit. Just because you saw it in a porno movie does not make it true.

•Surprising foreign objects. 
Use your imagination and then don’t go there. Unless asked specifically, do not surprise her with a makeshift dildo. Or even the real thing.

•Going too hard. 

You are not working construction, so hammering harder will not make it better. Slow down a little and ease up. Unless specifically asked you could be ruining her evening. That won’t go over well for either of you.

•Stopping for a break. 

If you slow down you are just going to have to make up time, because women can lose their desire quickly, then where will you be?

•Unsolicited back door entry. 

Unless specifically requested, a surprise in her rear will not make her a happy woman.

•Obnoxious music. 

Techno beats or heavy metal is not the usual mood maker men think for women.
Source

How to Treat a Girl

1. Whatever you do, don’t just show up at their house…they run around in their underwear just like we do.

2. Don’t cheat on them. It may seem foolproof, but girls tell each other everything about everything. Trust me, they WILL find out.

3. Beware of every single male relative and all guy friends. Any of them would kick your ass at the drop of a hat, and a lot of them wouldn’t even wait for the damn hat.

4. Never miss an opportunity to tell them they’re beautiful.

5. Don’t refuse to kiss in front of your friends. If they laugh at you, it’s because they’re jealous.

6. If they slap you hard, you deserved it.

7. Don’t be afraid to touch them if you want to. If they’re going out with you in the first place, it’s because they like being in your arms.

8. You can be dirty minded in private, really…most of them are not offended by it…

9. Not all of them eat like birds, a lot of them can eat like whales.

10. Most of them don’t mind paying half of everything, but they do discuss these things with their friends. Realize that if you make your girlfriend pay half all the time, everyone will know about it .

11. Do you honestly need all your money that much? Be a man, pay all the time!

12. Every girl should eventually get three things from her boyfriend- a stuffed animal, one of his sweatshirts, and a really pretty ring. Even if it’s not a serious relationship.

13. Make sure she gets home safely as often as you can. If you’re dropping her off, walk her to the door. If you aren’t dropping her off, call to be sure she’s home safely.

14. If a guy is bothering her, it is your right to kick the s**t out of him.

15. If you’re talking to a female friend of yours, pull your girlfriend closer.

16. Never, ever slap her, even if it’s just in a joking way. Even if she swats you first, and says, “Oh, you’re so dumb” or something, never make any gestures back.

17. You’re dead meat if you can’t get along with their pets, parents and best friends. Be prince charming to their friends, Mr. Polite to their parents, and make sure to be nice to their animals.

18. Don’t flirt with their moms…that’s just freaky.

19. If you don’t like the way they drive, you do it.

20. If you’re officially dating, and you’re introducing her to your friends, you’d better damn well introduce her as your girlfriend.

21. Don’t stress where you go for every date. They really only want to be with you.

22. If they complain that something hurts, rub it for them without being asked.

23. Girls are fragile. Even if you’re play fighting/wrestling, be very gentle.

24. Memorize their god damned birthdays. You forget her birthday and you’re basically screwed for life.

25. Don’t marinade the cologne, but smell good.

26. Don’t give her something stupid for her birthday or Christmas or Valentine’s day. It doesn’t have to be expensive, but it has to be meaningful.

27. If you think the relationship isn’t going to last, don’t wait to find out. It will only hurt you more if you draw it out.

28. After you’ve been dating for a while, realize that they really have started to trust you. Then you have a lot more responsibility, priviledge and control than you would think. Be careful with it.

36 questions which can lead to love

By Doctor ASKY - 

    December 7, 2015

Source: Тhe New York Times

Arthur Aron conducted a straightforward experiment in his lab. He asked a man and a woman who didn’t know each other well to answer 36 questions. Then they had to look each other in the eyes in silence, for four minutes. Half a year later, the two participants in the experiment were ready to get married.

We reproduced the list of questions below. The answers a person gives are supposed to make them open up and reveal their vulnerabilities, helping to bring people closer together.

1. Out of anyone in the world, who would you invite round for dinner?
2. Would you like to be famous? If yes, in which field?
3. Do you ever rehearse what you’re going to say before you make a phone call? If so, why?
4. What does your ideal day consist of?
5. When was the last time you sang to yourself, alone? When was the last time you sang for someone else?
6. If you could live to 90 and have either the mind or the body of a thirty-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, what would you choose?
7. Have you ever had a secret premonition of how you will die?
8. Name three character traits which you have in common with your partner.
9. What are you most grateful for in your life?
10. If you could change anything about the way you were brought up, what would it be?
11. Tell your partner the story of your life in as much detail as you can, in four minutes.
12. If you could wake up tomorrow with a new personal quality or ability, what would it be?
13. If reading a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, about your life, about the future, or anything else, what would you want to find out?
14. Is there something you’ve dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it?
15. What’s the biggest achievement of your life?
16. What do you value most of all in a friend?
17. What is your fondest memory?
18. What is your most upsetting memory?
19. If you found out that at some point in the next year you will die suddenly, would you change anything in your life as it is at the moment? Why?
20. What does friendship mean to you?
21. What roles do love and affection play in your life?
22. Take it in turns to name five positive qualities your partner has.
23. How close are you to the members of your family? Do you consider your childhood to have been happier than that of a majority of other people?
24. What is your relationship with your mother like?
25. Think of three truthful statements beginning with the word ’we’ (for example, ’we are both in this room feeling…’)
26. Complete this sentence: ’I would like to share…with someone.’
27. Please tell your partner what, in your opinion, they would need to know about you if they wanted to become close friends.
28. Tell your partner what you like about them. Be as honest as you can; say what you would never say to someone you did not know well.
29. Share an unpleasant memory from your life with your partner.
30. When and for what reason did you last cry?
31. Tell your partner what you like about them already.
32. What is too serious to be joked about?
33. If you were expecting to die this evening without any last chance to talk to anyone, what is it that you most regret never telling someone? Why did you never tell them it?
34. Your house containing all of your property has caught fire. After saving your family and pets you still have time to run back into the house and save one thing. What would it be? Why would you save it?
35. Which family member’s death would hurt you most of all? Why?
36. Tell your partner about a personal problem you have, and ask them how they would deal with it. Then ask your partner what they think about your choice of problem.

This list has been brought back from oblivion by The New York Times columnist Mandy Len Catron, who recently decided to repeat Dr. Aron’s experiment on herself and one of her acquaintances. The test was successful, and they fell in love with one another.